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Thread: Help!- Wife won't let me go to Med School

  1. #1
    Kal-el is offline Newbie
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    Help!- Wife won't let me go to Med School

    After only being on this forum for a few weeks, it seems like there are a lot of people out there with similar obstacles. I am hoping someone out there can help me during this difficult time.

    Here is my problem. My wife and I have great jobs, a killer house and she doesn't want to give up the lifestyle we have so I can go to med school. She wants to start having a family and getting settled in the comfort zone. I also want to start having a family. We have being married for 6 years. She thinks I am crazy to want to start a family and then go down to the Caymans (SMU) to raise a child. I think it would be an adventure. There is no problem with finances because my dad has always said he would take care of medical school. So my question to the group is how do I accomplish medical school without jeopardizing my relationship. I love my wife more than anybody can imagine and it breaks my heart to see her get so upset when we talk about this. I am starting to get very frustrated because after each conversation the dream seems impossible.

    I only have physics to complete and the course starts in January. I am 31 years old and do not wish to delay this any further.
    -Even Superman has a weakness

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    WannaBdoc25 is offline Member 510 points
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    2 years really is not that long. What happens to the house if you go? do you have to sell it?

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    Sefardicus is offline Newbie 510 points
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    My Take on Marriage and Med School

    I was in the same boat, brother, for years! I have M.D. friends, my wife is an E.R. nurse, and my father is an M.D. and D.D.S., and I have a Master's degree in Clinical Counseling. Let me tell you, I love the heck out of science, math, and I am fascinated with how medicine brings all of that together; I'm sure you agree with my assessment to one degree or another.

    From an almost insider's point-of-view, let me tell you that for many, medicine comes at a cost: battered or shattered family lives. My father, who for his protection, will not get his name mentioned here, is a leader in the field of plastic surgery, and cosmetic dentistry. As far as career, and prestige: he has it all! But, behind that success, is a train wreck of broken relationships, because my father, without setting out to do this, gave more importance to his career than his family.

    During medical school, and pre-med, you pretty much have to "divorce" yourself from much of most people do, including spending time with the wife, and or family. Most spouses, wife or husbands, cannot handle being on their own. Medical school, or pre-med, widows, have to be self-directed, and low-maintenance, to survive the emotional challenges that med school bring. Just think, spouses of med students, in a great sense, have to put their lives on hold for you! The divorce rate for med students is pretty high!

    That being said, give yourself some time and think about what is more important: your wife or a career in medicine. I am saying this not because you cannot do both, but because of the odds.

    My story, is similar to yours. I have wanted to be a doctor for a long time, but due to lack of resources, and other extraneous circumstances, I could not finish my pre-med successfully. When I married, I choose to marry someone in the medical field, because I thought that she would understand the rigor that it takes to be a doctor, and be more empathetic; it did not turn out to be that way. Through some well-meaning people and some ignorant people, and her own extensive experience in the filed, my wife had discouraged me from going to med school for years. Mind you, she still allowed me to take pre-med classes here and there, but was not behind me to go to med school.

    I have not been married for almost 10 yrs, have no kids, I'm 40, and my wife is 36. I have finished my pre-med with a 3.7-3.8 science GPA, have a 3.65 gpa in my Masters; have not taken my MCAT, yet. Recently, we have gone through a lot of struggles in our relationship because of my decision to be a doctor. My wife is an incredible woman, whom, if I were to loose to medicine, would be like loosing a princess (my wife) for a hooker (medicine). Let me tell you buddy, a good wife, a real good one, does not come by often, and mine has stuck with me through thick and thin.

    When my wife resisted me going to med school, years ago, I decided that I was going to go at her pace, and not leave her behind, so I took it slow, even though almost a decade has gone by. Through our own recent spiritual/emotional turmoil, I have learned that my wife is more important than a medical career. My situation is a bit different than your; I'm 9 years older than you. When I thought about giving up medicine, I could not entertain the thought of doing so, but what's more, I could not bare the thought of being an M.D. without the love of my life.

    Like, you, I'm sure, I am intellectually curious, and know that I could be a wonderful doctor, but I have decided to take the P.A. route. For my marriage, in my particular situation, I have decided that this will be best. The route is way shorter, easier, less debt, and stress, and believe my marriage will be intact at the end of it.

    My advice, take it slow, don't leave your wife behind in making your decision. The only thing she wants to know is that you care more about her than medicine. Kids... if she is young enough, wait on them. Kids add a new level of stress, to an already challenging situation (med / pre-med). If you wait to have them later, let's say your last year of med-school, you may be able to enjoy them more, and it could save your relationship; don't be in a hurry to have kids! Before you have kids, make sure your marriage is solid, and that you are united in your decision, before you embark into this med school journey.

    Someone wise told me some time ago, wisdom is about timing, not necessarily what you do or say, but when you say, or do something. Timing, might be your best friend here, my friend. One of the great things you guys have on your side is your father's financial support; that alone will take a lot of stress of your backs in the future!

    I hope what I have expressed has given you some food for thought. Do not be discouraged, you are only 31, time is on your side. Being married and being a med student is possible, but it's all about timing, the right timing...

  4. #73
    medic300107's Avatar
    medic300107 is offline Supermedic Moderator 10497 points
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    Just wanted to point out the OP is now about 38 y/o, this thread was started 7 years ago lol

    otherwise some good advice and thank you for only reviving an old post to post something constructive!
    bidiboom likes this.
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    Ross Forum Moderator/Supermedic Moderator - Board Certified EM

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    Sefardicus is offline Newbie 510 points
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    Oops! That's funny!! Well, all things happen for a good reason, and I hope that everything turned out good for our friend after all. Maybe someone will read it and glean something to hang on to that's of some value. Thanks for letting me know.

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    Staradmiral is offline Junior Member 511 points
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    How is this even a discussion? What kind of a person would choose med school over their wife.

    Seriously if your wife says you can't go to med school then that should be the end of discussion. Anyone who chooses career over their partner deserves to be divorced. career is not the most important thing in life.

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    stevesingh1 is offline Junior Member 510 points
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    You just need to explain to her that it is very important to you and you have always imagined going to medical school . Its just a matter for few years , then future will safe for both of you for the rest of your life .
    everything in life is luck

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    bidiboom is offline Permanently Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by Staradmiral View Post
    How is this even a discussion? What kind of a person would choose med school over their wife.

    Seriously if your wife says you can't go to med school then that should be the end of discussion. Anyone who chooses career over their partner deserves to be divorced. career is not the most important thing in life.
    what a comment .. actually the wives must give you a medal but the things dont roll in that way man (or wo-man) .. this creature, named human being, is ruining all of the plans, logic, due-to's and the expectations others set over him.. the worst thing is that human has a very ..very bad intrinsic property: freedom

    sorry for all of the wives (husbands), but they have to come to see this and treat their man (wo-man ) in compliance with this reality..

    I think I can never really comprehend how the people may put themselves in a position in others lives which gives them the prerogative "to let" or "not to let" others do this or that.. we can only come to agreement over communication, but cannot (may not!) dictate..

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    williamholt is offline Junior Member 512 points
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    sorry.i have no wife

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    carlbolton64 is offline Junior Member 510 points
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    No comments.

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    Lil_Gail is offline Junior Member 510 points
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    I really hope you can talk about this. It will really be better if you will be able to discuss things through and she'll be able to understand what med school means to you and at the same time make explain to her that she'll still be your priority.

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