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View Full Version : Help!- Wife won't let me go to Med School



Kal-el
12-09-2004, 06:57 PM
After only being on this forum for a few weeks, it seems like there are a lot of people out there with similar obstacles. I am hoping someone out there can help me during this difficult time.

Here is my problem. My wife and I have great jobs, a killer house and she doesn't want to give up the lifestyle we have so I can go to med school. She wants to start having a family and getting settled in the comfort zone. I also want to start having a family. We have being married for 6 years. She thinks I am crazy to want to start a family and then go down to the Caymans (SMU) to raise a child. I think it would be an adventure. There is no problem with finances because my dad has always said he would take care of medical school. So my question to the group is how do I accomplish medical school without jeopardizing my relationship. I love my wife more than anybody can imagine and it breaks my heart to see her get so upset when we talk about this. I am starting to get very frustrated because after each conversation the dream seems impossible.

I only have physics to complete and the course starts in January. I am 31 years old and do not wish to delay this any further.

AUCMD2006
12-09-2004, 07:04 PM
my wife had a great job, we already have kids though, and i switched from architecture to medicine.....nobody can determine what is best for you all i know is that there are a lot of 40 something ex-engineers, computer programers, chiropractors, etc. around here so that says if the desire is there you probably will not be settled by anything less. we opted to keep her at home with the kids b/c i did not want her living down here or quit her job.....ever thought about heading down there on your own for the first semester to prove that a)you are serious and b) you can do it and c) you can tell her about living in the caymans? i mean separation was rough the first few weeks until you get bogged down with all the work and forget what day it is.....

rdecastro
12-09-2004, 07:29 PM
New wife?

Kal-el
12-09-2004, 10:58 PM
No. We have been married for almost 6 years.

microphage
12-09-2004, 11:04 PM
Buy her a big fat diamond ring... and say there's a big upgrade of that one after you finish med school. :wink:

wolfvgang22
12-10-2004, 04:02 PM
Life's full of choices, kid.

Maybe see a marriage counselor....otherwise it looks bad for the marriage if you go to med school.

Andrew21
12-10-2004, 06:05 PM
Okay, you're 31, you have a dad that will pay for medical school (sounds carte blanche?), and no kids. Has your wife ever seen Grand Cayman? It's awesome! 7 mile beach is unbelievable! It has all the comforts of a big city. I can't imagine how great her job is that she wanted want to go to the caribbean for a while, all on someone else's tab. As my wife and I watch our debt pile (to the tune of 250K by the time we're done), I can't help but think how crazy it would be for you guys not take this opportunity. No offense to your wife, I understand that she is comfortable and all, but dang... You should seriously talk about this, and seek some professional counseling. Truthfully, it would be beter to wait for school another 6 months and put your relationship in a strong healthy spot. Good luck

Andy

docbee
12-19-2004, 11:20 PM
After only being on this forum for a few weeks, it seems like there are a lot of people out there with similar obstacles. I am hoping someone out there can help me during this difficult time.

Here is my problem. My wife and I have great jobs, a killer house and she doesn't want to give up the lifestyle we have so I can go to med school. She wants to start having a family and getting settled in the comfort zone. I also want to start having a family. We have being married for 6 years. She thinks I am crazy to want to start a family and then go down to the Caymans (SMU) to raise a child. I think it would be an adventure. There is no problem with finances because my dad has always said he would take care of medical school. So my question to the group is how do I accomplish medical school without jeopardizing my relationship. I love my wife more than anybody can imagine and it breaks my heart to see her get so upset when we talk about this. I am starting to get very frustrated because after each conversation the dream seems impossible.

I only have physics to complete and the course starts in January. I am 31 years old and do not wish to delay this any further.

Did you apply to this school yet? If your wife has such a great job - maybe she can find similar work in the islands, so that she can keep her experience - and then later, when you go back to the states, she won't have a problem. Family-wise : I am a 24 yr. old with a 3 yr. old son - I start med school (at AUC) next fall - I am relocating my family - my fiance is getting a job on the island next to my schools'. Advice = nothing is holding you back but her fear/stubborness -- if she loves you, she'll let you do this. I know that no one will stop me - medicine pumps in my blood - if it's your calling, you'll go where you can be taught to do what you love.

julestx
12-20-2004, 11:19 AM
I agree, you have alot more discussions with your wife ahead of you. One thing I wanted to mention is that with cores and electives following your time in basic sciences, you really have to think of it as 4 yrs. I say this because we thought we'd only be in the Caribbean for the 20 months, yet here we are in Ireland, and after this, we will hit 3 more States for the remaining electives! So, if you can get your wife to see the adventurous side of it all, that would really help. Does MUA have a Spouses Club? Are you definitely going to MUA? BIG POINT - try to set her up in touch with the other Spouses of students at MUA if you're planning to go there. She will see that not only are the students giving up, the spouses and significant others are leaving careers as well. They will be able to help your wife to see what all they do in the meantime. There are usually a fun bunch of spouses and significant others to hang out with and go exploring together. It might help her if she were to correspond with them, and find out what its like for them living there, etc.

Jules

petenwe
12-20-2004, 01:17 PM
Buy her a big fat diamond ring... and say there's a big upgrade of that one after you finish med school. :wink:

Interesting

Kal-el
12-20-2004, 11:15 PM
Thanks for your post. Interesting you brought up talking with other spouses, as we just spoke about that today. I am not sure if SMU (not MUA) has this type of support program, but I wil call up tomorrow. I have her to the point where she is definitely starting to talk about possibilities. I have forwarded her some (censored :)) posts and PM's people have left me. She is starting to realize what an opportunity we have to walk out of this debt free. Thanks for everybody's posts. Keep em' coming.

Kal-el

julestx
12-21-2004, 01:32 PM
Sorry, SMU not MUA!

I hope you find an answer about a Spouses Club at SMU...Here is an example of a great Spouses Club...its AUC's club, and this website should provide some insight as to the fun and friendship that spouses get to experience with this big move!

http://groups.msn.com/aucspousesclub

Good Luck!

Jules

Bill Cornbread
04-05-2005, 06:02 AM
This one is easy. Do a two week vacation there and check it out. Women like to "SEE". If you have been married as long as I have you know what I mean.

tRmedic21
04-05-2005, 09:27 AM
This is a VERY touchy spot you are in.... if you have desperate desires to be a doctor, but give those desires up to have a family with her, then there is a good chance you'll end up regretting that later, and may hold it against her in the longrun, thus poisoning your relationship.

However, if she gives in to your desires and things aren't hunky-dorey for whatever reason... like maybe you'll wash out and decide it's not for you, or maybe she'll hate the island or just living outside the US, or she never ends up with a job she finds as fulfilling as her present one.... the same thing could happen from her side.

Bottom line is, you two have to sit down and discuss it like reasonable adults. Personally, if my wife wanted something this badly, I would support her in it, no matter what we had to go through. Matter of fact, I did! lol We ended up leaving good jobs in the US and I went with her out of the country. It took some adjusting, but we made it work in the longrun and now we're both pursuing our dream of med school! The thing is, it built a tremendous amount of trust between us going through those trials and looking back now, they were some of the best experiences we've ever had together.

If your wife absolutely refuses to make any sacrifices so that you can pursue your dream (med school), then actually... she's being selfish. If you absolutely refuse to make any sacrifices to allow your wife to pursue her dream... you're being selfish. See what I mean? Perhaps you could start a family and wait a year or two and then start school? Or perhaps make the concession of having a family as soon as possible when you get back to the States (or even on the island), which is a concession on your part... it goes both ways, and you both have to weigh your own selfishness (something we all have, admitted or not) against both your love for your partner and your desire to make the relationship work. Some people (like rrod) manage to do it the long-distance route, and if money isn't a problem, flying home once a month for a weekend might be the way to do it. :shock: Not for me, people like me and others like Beauxsxm couldn't have made it through without our partner or family for support. No way.

I hope you can come to some agreement that allows both of you some amount of satisfaction, but you have to be aware that in so doing, you will also likely both have to make some sacrifices. That is what marriage and family is all about, really, in my opinion... giving up some things for the benefit of others, and being happier in the longrun.

Buying the big diamond is one way to help push things along, and I really do also like the idea of the 2-week vacation on the island... although I think 1-week would be just enough to get a taste for it, but not leave time for most of the bad things to get old. Best of both worlds, eh?

Good luck!

sheikh1
04-05-2005, 09:47 AM
Hi everybody I am 35 years old and married for the last seven years. As a matter of fact my anniversary is comming up in may 30th, at the same time I will like to start medical school at nevis in may 05. My wife doe's not like the Idear of going to the caribbean for medical school training. We have a three year old boy, and she is a pediatrician at children hospital in Philadelphia. She went to Johns Hopkins for her medical training. Hear is the problem she does not want to be my cosigner just to stop me going to school that is far away. I love my wife and our little kid, but I will hate her for the rest of my life if she stops me going to school. Hear is the decission I reached I will go with or without her bessing.

Kal-el
04-05-2005, 11:44 PM
Thanks for all of your feedback. Quick update. I have a baby due in September, I am studying for the MCAT in August, and getting my application materials for an attempt at a few U.S. schools (near our family). If that fails then I have the Carribbean as plan B. I will kill myself if I don't even try to get into a US school. I have awesome letters of reference and a respected surgeon (one of my clients) on staff at the University who is backing me. You never know. Either way, she is very supportive of me these days. She is starting to notice that it is only 8 years of living like we were back in College. My dad is forking the bill with one caveat. If I don't finish then all of the debt is my responsibility.

Kal-el
04-06-2005, 12:02 AM
Sheikh1,

I just read your post and feel your frustration. However, I caution you with the approach of I'll do it without her if that's what it takes, for one simple reason. Your son. You have the responsibility which you cannot solely throw on your wife. Does she know you wanted this for awhile, or is it I woke up one day, my career is not going that well, so I think I'll become a doctor? You need to lay out a set of plans, take her to dinner and show her where you will be and for how long. Many women seem to get absolutely frightened when they think of a foreign medical school. You need to focus on her concerns and show that you will be back in the states in a short amount of time. Living in Philly puts you very close to alot of approved clinical sites. You could be back in a Jiffy. How about a post-bac program? You are going to need her support. You are not in a good boat my friend.

swimguy23
04-06-2005, 12:37 AM
play her in strip poker with the pot being you going to school in cayman and then rig the game. You get to play cards naked and go to med school.....its a win win situation! :twisted:

ps i cant play poker and normally end up naked, but its better than the old days on the bar with dollar bills flyin around

Kal-el
04-06-2005, 08:31 AM
Nice. Your post is indicative of having too much time on your hands to take medical school seriously. What a waste of a senior member. Would you mock your patients when they seek your help? I will not reply to any further posts of yours. I'm too busy playing solitaire and surfing the net in my meeting.

restlesseye
04-06-2005, 09:07 AM
just some perspective for you.

wife and i had amazing careers with incomes which would have kept us happy until retirement. job security was there for the both of us. we had an amazing home, good friends etc... money was good in my career but i was unhappy and unfulfilled which made my wife unhappy.

we sold everything so i could go to school and its the best decision we ever made. we own nothing right now. who cares - its just money.

im just finishing my 2nd year at SGU and last year we had a baby girl. we survived hurricane IVAN as it tore the roof off our home.

dont want to get too involved with all the sacrifices we have made but we are glad we did.

on the island we have more time for each other and most of all for our daughter. relationship is stronger because we faced new challenges.

just do it!

sheikh1
04-06-2005, 09:24 AM
I am amazed by people who say did you wake up one day and decided to go to medical school, hell no!!. I have been thinking of doing this for a long time, and by the way why will I live my family if this is posible in the U.S.. May be if people read my personal essay they will never ask me this question again. I love my wife and my son but sometimes you have to do what you got to do. The flip side of not doing what you want to do, is living the rest of your life for missing an opportunity. My wife will never think of comming with me to the Island, even when I ask her if she will visit me she responds negatively.

wolfvgang22
04-06-2005, 03:06 PM
Thanks for all of your feedback. Quick update. I have a baby due in September, I am studying for the MCAT in August, and getting my application materials for an attempt at a few U.S. schools (near our family). If that fails then I have the Carribbean as plan B. I will kill myself if I don't even try to get into a US school. I have awesome letters of reference and a respected surgeon (one of my clients) on staff at the University who is backing me. You never know. Either way, she is very supportive of me these days. She is starting to notice that it is only 8 years of living like we were back in College. My dad is forking the bill with one caveat. If I don't finish then all of the debt is my responsibility.
Good to hear! Good luck to you, and congratualtions on finding a way!

swimguy23
04-06-2005, 03:15 PM
Just a joke, take it at face value. Dont lose your sense of humor in med school, it seems those people that do are miserable throughout the whole thing. No offense meant

shockandawe
04-10-2005, 04:39 PM
Kal-el,

You ask probably one of the most difficult questions that I have yet to see in this forum. If you do not have 110%, there is a very high likely-hood of divorce. I've seen so many divorces in this field. Medical school takes a lot of dedication and especially if you go to a foreign medical school. Residency is hell, although great improvements have been made, especially now with the 80 hour rule.

I didn't get divorced, but my wife has been with me 110% of the way. There is no way that I would have made it to this level without all her support. She is amazing. (But then again, who could resist the shock...hee, hee, hee, just kidding.)

If you get 50 to 80% support, you are likely to get divorced eventually. I've seen so many divorces now, its sad... However, I should mention that not one of the people I know who is divorced due to following their dream in medicine, regrets having gone thru it. I know that this is a touchy subject and I hope that nothing I said, in any way, offended you. Good luck and I wish you the best.. -s&a

wolfvgang22
04-11-2005, 10:42 AM
How about 95%...can we get by with 95%...:wink:

shockandawe
04-12-2005, 09:11 AM
How about 95%...can we get by with 95%...:wink:

Only if you are really good and I mean good, ego-less like the Buddha and maybe even he would have a hard time. Man, I tell you, when you get into this field your whole life will change and you will lose some of what you call yourself. You really need that 110%. No matter how smart you think you are, there will be hard times. -s&a

md2b24
04-23-2005, 05:01 PM
Sheik,
I'm sorry to hear the way you feel. I would strongly encourage you to makeup with your wife before you go. Medical school is not a place you have to worry about family fued and your studies. My wife refused to go with me when I first informed her, but I finally got her to agree that I go by myself the first semester. Just before you know it, she changed her mind and we are all going. The thing is that I won't have to worry about them how they are doing because they will be there with me.
Good luck.

Chemist_11
04-24-2005, 09:21 AM
hey my friend, the problem with your wife not letting you go to med school, it easily rectified:

Dude, we all saw here fall, it was a tradgic accident :D

IMG DOC
04-30-2005, 08:06 PM
Having practiced medicine for the last 24 yrs., I can tell you it takes a very special person to be the spouse of a physician. Unless you are the physician, the spouse of the physician or the child of the physician, one has virtually no idea the sacrifice which is required to successfully care for your patients and maintain your career. My adult daughter didn't want a career in medicine because " I was never home for supper". My 9 yr. old daughter read me the riot act 3 weeks ago while I was on call and could not do the things she wanted us to do. A solid home life is not a requirement, but, it sure doesn't hurt. The spouse must be flexible and be able to place their activities behind your professional responsibilities (or handle them on their own). I look back and do not regret my involvement in my profession, but, I also realize the "dinners" can never be replaced and I am changing things to be able to spend more time with my wife and 9 yr. old. (I know she will be proud of her father as my older daughter is, but, I must admit it is like being married to two spouses, and only my loving wife is able to show the flexibility to allow me to attend my professional life as is needed (at times)). (Sorry for the run on sentence).
Enter medicine with your eyes wide open, because the rewards are not as obvious as they once were, and you must truly enjoy taking care of those who have come to depend on you.
Best of luck to all of you and may you have the support and love I have had over my career.
Sincerely,
IMG DOC
AUC '81

sheikh1
05-02-2005, 10:52 AM
I am flying to the caribb....tomorrow at long last I have the blessing of my wife. :lol:

grace
05-02-2005, 03:21 PM
Congrats! Good luck in med school!

md2b24
05-26-2005, 10:43 PM
Congratulations Sheik

krysmj
06-01-2005, 09:51 PM
This thread rules :D
I just thought I'd toss my experience as well. I am married and also have a three year old daughter. I've wanted to be a doctor for three years, but I kept hearing discouraging tales of woe and heartache about how hard it is, long it takes, money it costs, inconvenient it is, etc, etc. I wanted a career in some sort of medical field , but I was a wuss and didn't want to put in the effort. I defeated myself before I even started.
Anyway, long story short, here I am today more determined than ever to go to med school in Europe and become an MD. My wife was initially very much against the idea - even hostile. She flat out refused. What I did, was to sit down with her and tell her how badly I wanted it. I did a little research about living conditions, expat atmosphere (if any), yada yada yada. Anyway, we came to the agreement that I'd go by myself for the first semester, secure off campus housing for us, get bank accounts, utilities, furniture and all that jazz set up and then they would come over once it was all ready and waiting. Once she realized that she wouldn't have to worry about the million and one unknowns (that falls on me), she was very receptive. It may seem like I got the shortest straw, but I'm more than happy to do it and it serves my purpose.
Anyway, good luck everyone and see ya later!

Nimmuk
06-26-2005, 05:24 PM
I am flying to the caribb....tomorrow at long last I have the blessing of my wife. :lol:

Cngrats,

Hope that all goes well with your studies as well as with your supportive spouse

sheikh1
06-26-2005, 05:56 PM
I have been in this situation before, it is a tough decision. When I told my wife that I am intending to attend med school in the Carib...she thought I was kidding. I was not kidding, and I had to explain the reality of studing medicine in a far land. first time she got annoyed and she told me I am on my own, but I insisted that I have to acomplish my dream. My wife and I have a three year old son, this complicated my decision of Carib..school. My son asked me if I am flying in to the sky and be back as soon as possible, and I tried to explain to him that I will be away for along time. Anyway the hardest part was breaking the news to my inlaws....that was tough. To cut the story short my wife agreed and blessed my decision, but she told me I have transfer as soon as posible uumh....I don't know how easy that will be. Anyway I am finishing my second semester pre-med and hopefuly start medical school this fall. However hard the decision is, one must look the long term effect on you if you don't accomplish your dream. The school I attend is Mua Nevis, I love it so far.

onesolo
06-26-2005, 06:27 PM
I'll tell you my situation and maybe it will not help you but give you some food for thought. I'm 32 now and after 2 1/2 years of begging and pleading with my (at the time) fiance to understand how I wanted to make my dream come true I'm finally doing it. We both had great jobs (she still does) and were living a lifestyle alot better than she was ever able to imagine growing up. During my time of actually wanting to go back to school to take those final classes I needed she was dead against it. She didn't want me giving up my job and she refused to move her daughter to another country. I put up with this for 2 years mind you so as far as I was concerned I did my best to live "HER DREAM" while I put mine aside....... Problem was I was never content with the situation I was in although my love for her was and is greater than anything you could ever imagine. Last spring I finally told myself that if I didn't go try to make my dream reality then one day I may look back and realize that not only do I not have the dream but I don't have the lady as well. At that time I decided I was going to do it....... I must say however, AT THAT TIME the relationship came to an end as well.

There is some good in this story though.... the two of us broke up for a year and didn't talk to one another much at all. I did very well in my classes and have since been accepted to SMU, AUC, and Ross. Her and I started talking and hanging out alot more and now we are actually back together. No she's not my fiance at this point but we both know that we will some day get married. To make "OUR" story even better..... we actually live in Maine. Therefore, I decided I would go to SMU over the other two because not only does it allow me to return to the states eariler, but she lives in the Portland area so I'll actually be returning to her in a year. We also have made arrangements where she will come over there once each semester and I'll be coming home during each break. Don't know if this will help you at all but hopefully you can show this to her and let her know that this is just a small step in a big process.

markglt
06-26-2005, 06:31 PM
Tell her to suck it up. Just be sure your marriage is strong enough for all the ups and downs of med school. By the way, how old is the kid? I think he'll be okay doing a year or two abroad, it'll probably be good for him....a little diversity never hurt anybody, espically in elementary skool, hahaha
On the flip side, are you being selfish at all with this decision? It's not all about you (YOU'RE MARRIED), as a matter of fact you come last.
Oh boy, i think i took too many percocets.

markglt
06-26-2005, 06:41 PM
Oh yeah, Every married couple that I've seen come to school down here is miserable....the wife always cheats. Now, that's just my island. I don't know about the others. Just my oxymoronic objective 2 cents

anencephalic
07-03-2005, 08:10 PM
New wife?

No. We have been married for almost 6 years.

No, no...he means get a new wife...

Aloha,

testingtesting
07-05-2005, 09:10 PM
Hey, this is the wife of a 4th year med student. I am 36 years old and have two kids. I too had a hard time accepting the whole med school issue. As I was struggling, I spoke with lots of Dr.'s wives and asked how they did it. They all answered that they would rather go through a few years (really not too many in the whole scheme of things) than to have a husband come home every night miserable about his job. I am very stubborn and I admit it really hasn't been easy but I survived and now that I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I am glad we took this road. I see many of my husband's friends who chose another road and they are miserable and many are having job security issues. I am realizing more and more that we made the right decision. Your wife has it easier in that you don't have kids yet. My kids were barely school aged when we left Grenada so we were pretty lucky. I did take the kids back a semester early but we made it. I have met a lot of people who have done the separation thing and it is doable. I am sorry that you are going through this and hope that things work out for you. You can tell her what my husband told me: "I WILL never be really happy unless I'm a doctor". I decided that I would rather work hard for a few more years and have the rest of my life to be comfortable and secure. okay well I hope this helps. Good luck.

sandy

Hanson
07-07-2005, 02:09 PM
Hey, this is the wife of a 4th year med student. I am 36 years old and have two kids. I too had a hard time accepting the whole med school issue. As I was struggling, I spoke with lots of Dr.'s wives and asked how they did it. They all answered that they would rather go through a few years (really not too many in the whole scheme of things) than to have a husband come home every night miserable about his job. I am very stubborn and I admit it really hasn't been easy but I survived and now that I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I am glad we took this road. I see many of my husband's friends who chose another road and they are miserable and many are having job security issues. I am realizing more and more that we made the right decision. Your wife has it easier in that you don't have kids yet. My kids were barely school aged when we left Grenada so we were pretty lucky. I did take the kids back a semester early but we made it. I have met a lot of people who have done the separation thing and it is doable. I am sorry that you are going through this and hope that things work out for you. You can tell her what my husband told me: "I WILL never be really happy unless I'm a doctor". I decided that I would rather work hard for a few more years and have the rest of my life to be comfortable and secure. okay well I hope this helps. Good luck.

sandy
I think you are a good wife. Your husband is very lucky.

Hanson

skpm2md
07-07-2005, 07:54 PM
I have read through all of the posts and I am very curious. Instead of the man of the house leaving, I will be leaving. He will be staying behind to work (in a job that he loves and is hard to just up and move with) and to help pay the bills. I plan on building up the frequent flyer miles for us both, but I am curious, are there husbands that have stayed behind? What can you suggest to make it easier? I am very, very, very (I could go on) fortunate to have a husband who has supported my dream so far and contiues to support me. Sometimes I think that I am more worried about the seperation than he is, but all he keeps telling me is to go study and get it done. So guys if you are out there I am curious...:roll:

doctordkm
08-05-2005, 12:13 PM
I have read through all of the posts and I am very curious. Instead of the man of the house leaving, I will be leaving. He will be staying behind to work (in a job that he loves and is hard to just up and move with) and to help pay the bills. I plan on building up the frequent flyer miles for us both, but I am curious, are there husbands that have stayed behind? What can you suggest to make it easier? I am very, very, very (I could go on) fortunate to have a husband who has supported my dream so far and contiues to support me. Sometimes I think that I am more worried about the seperation than he is, but all he keeps telling me is to go study and get it done. So guys if you are out there I am curious...:roll:

My Fiancť is staying behind, although he too may end up moving down to be with me after a semester or two. I am very blessed to have him. He is so supportive. He is currently pursuing a masters in math and a second undergraduate degree in Finance. I want him to stay in the states till May, which is when he should be done with both, but he has been talking as though he may come down in december after my first semester and put it off. I too want him to succeed in his personal goals, and I understand your husband's position of not wanting to jeopardize something that he has worked hard to acheive. I think that you should listen to him and go there and get it done and over with, so that both of you can be happy in the end.

islandwife
12-10-2005, 09:49 AM
Buy her a big fat diamond ring... and say there's a big upgrade of that one after you finish med school. :wink:

For some reason, I am assuming micro is married...

Jules is right. Getting in contact with the sig others of other med students and seeing that it IS doable and there ARE sig others out there who are willing to sacrifice career, creature comfort, and time with relatives seems to make it seem more realistic. It might even make her feel selfish in comparison. Guilting works, too you know.;)

It would almost be worth it to seek out a school which has a spouse's org just for the benefit of helping to ease your wife into the mindest of "it CAN be done".

sheikh1
12-29-2005, 04:40 PM
Oh yeah, Every married couple that I've seen come to school down here is miserable....the wife always cheats. Now, that's just my island. I don't know about the others. Just my oxymoronic objective 2 cents
Wow, what is that all about!!

stephew
12-30-2005, 09:51 AM
unlike mark, most (not all) married couples Ive seen down on the islands are faithful. It goes like this as a rule of thumb: cheaters cheat, the faithful don't. Those with good relationships work out; those that arent just break up sooner. Ive also seen cases of wives in schol with the hubby as the SO. it works out fine. the hubbys work, make friends, play (in the faithful way) etc. I was jsut talking today with another radonc classmate of mine; her hubby came down to support her parto f the time. He's a special forces guy. They did very well. It works and its all up the folks involved. Don't accept these "they all cheat" stories. Obviously we dont know you but you sound like you have a nice relationship in that you're both thinking a lot of each other.
I have read through all of the posts and I am very curious. Instead of the man of the house leaving, I will be leaving. He will be staying behind to work (in a job that he loves and is hard to just up and move with) and to help pay the bills. I plan on building up the frequent flyer miles for us both, but I am curious, are there husbands that have stayed behind? What can you suggest to make it easier? I am very, very, very (I could go on) fortunate to have a husband who has supported my dream so far and contiues to support me. Sometimes I think that I am more worried about the seperation than he is, but all he keeps telling me is to go study and get it done. So guys if you are out there I am curious...:roll:

momof3boys
12-30-2005, 02:06 PM
I am in the process of applying for admission and I am scared my husband will say no by the time I break the news to him. We have been married for eight years and have three wonderful boys aged six, five and two. I need wisdom to be able to convince him to either follow me to the Caribbean or stay back in the States with the kids while I go.
Any suggestions?

Thanks
momof3boys

maximillian genossa
12-30-2005, 07:25 PM
I am in the process of applying for admission and I am scared my husband will say no by the time I break the news to him. We have been married for eight years and have three wonderful boys aged six, five and two. I need wisdom to be able to convince him to either follow me to the Caribbean or stay back in the States with the kids while I go.
Any suggestions?

Thanks
momof3boys

The most important question you have to ask yourself is, what is more important to me? My kids, or my dream. Did you ever discussed this with him before you applied? The kids seem to be at very tender ages, 6,5 and 2. Very tender indeed.

The reason I am asking you is not because I am taking sides, but because I postponded my career dreams back in the 1980's for my family, my kids, they where my ultimate sacrifice, my ultimate treasure and I sacrificed my dreams for them until I could do it, and I did it, later than sooner, but I got there.

For the sake of political correctness, I do not believe that throwing the cards on the table in the means of saying either follow me or stay is healthy, since marriage is a teamwork and it requires a lot of team effort to succeed and part of that is communication and support.

I do not know your specific circumstances, but since you asked I am giving you an honest to G-d answer.

Please, do not be offended by anything I just said. If you have any more questions feel free to PM me.

In any case, good luck in your plans.

Ciao

Max

empathy
12-30-2005, 08:17 PM
You are the head of the house. You sound like a good man. I'm an old fashion person. A wife should obey her husband and follow his lead. Speak to your pastor and pray about it as a family. :)


After only being on this forum for a few weeks, it seems like there are a lot of people out there with similar obstacles. I am hoping someone out there can help me during this difficult time.

Here is my problem. My wife and I have great jobs, a killer house and she doesn't want to give up the lifestyle we have so I can go to med school. She wants to start having a family and getting settled in the comfort zone. I also want to start having a family. We have being married for 6 years. She thinks I am crazy to want to start a family and then go down to the Caymans (SMU) to raise a child. I think it would be an adventure. There is no problem with finances because my dad has always said he would take care of medical school. So my question to the group is how do I accomplish medical school without jeopardizing my relationship. I love my wife more than anybody can imagine and it breaks my heart to see her get so upset when we talk about this. I am starting to get very frustrated because after each conversation the dream seems impossible.

I only have physics to complete and the course starts in January. I am 31 years old and do not wish to delay this any further.

markglt
12-30-2005, 10:25 PM
uh..................

stephew
12-30-2005, 10:48 PM
I of course do not think as Empathy does. I personally believe a couple is comprised of equal partners, best friends, and needs to be thoughtful of each other in the way best friends are. and that husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend or partners of whatever ilk should find what works for them as a couple and family. No one on this forum can give anyone general advise for any give family's decision. Just our own perspective of experience at best. That's all anyone can take from this forum, but that is what its useful for.

Junito
12-31-2005, 12:37 PM
I was in a similar situation. My wife and I were both teachers, and were married for 4 years before I started med school. I wanted to start med school in 2000, was accepted into AUC & Ross. I taught HS biology for 4 years, and my desire to become a physician never waned, but increased. I finally decided to attend med school in 2004.

In order to help ease my wife's concern, I took her to various school open houses, spoke to numerous physicians, and people currently in med school. This helped my wife be more relaxed about the decision. Feel free to send me a PM, maybe you can have your wife talk to mine. I totally understand the comfort issue.

OLDPRO
12-31-2005, 02:03 PM
DId you all notice the original poster hasn't posted since April 2005? So.....

Chemist_11
03-19-2006, 12:09 PM
I should imagine that the wife saw to that :shock:

nikkione
03-20-2006, 12:07 AM
I suggest you talk to her and tell her that the both of you need to grow up as parents. You've been married for 6 years already and I think you're right in planning ot have a baby. A family will never be complete without a child. Sometimes you need to sacrifice the kind of lifestyle that you are living to find your true happiness.

Chemist_11
03-20-2006, 01:04 PM
**A family will never be complete without a child**

Come again? :rolleyes:

k_tanaka
05-27-2006, 11:22 AM
May be complete without....but theres nothing like the joys of parenthood eh!?

Not to mention changing the diapers!

sheikh1
07-17-2006, 04:51 PM
I have a 13 year old daughter and a 4 year old boy, I love them and care for them every minute!!! it is a joy to have kids.

Bbrainie
07-17-2006, 04:59 PM
**A family will never be complete without a child**



WWRRRONNG!

Jakeislove
02-16-2008, 07:31 AM
That's a pretty long road to travel without your wife's full support. Even longer if she's determined to make some babies.

Jakeislove
02-16-2008, 07:34 AM
I suggest you talk to her and tell her that the both of you need to grow up as parents. You've been married for 6 years already and I think you're right in planning ot have a baby. A family will never be complete without a child. Sometimes you need to sacrifice the kind of lifestyle that you are living to find your true happiness.

So her dream of fulfilling the stereotype (popping out a few kids, white picket fence, etc...) is more important than anything else?

TXMD2B
02-16-2008, 03:52 PM
Iím glad Iím not in your position.

I have always wanted to be a doctor for as long as I remember. Back in November 2006 I went to my wife and told her I am selling the business and going back to school. Of course she thought I was crazy at first because we built this business from scratch. We had double in size every year since starting and we were on our way to double the next year.

To make a long story short it does not matter what you do, or have, as long as you follow your dreams. Money and white picket fences donít buy happiness they just make life easier.

Good Luck!

l3mcmann
02-16-2008, 03:57 PM
If you both have good jobs and a good relationship, then my personal advice would be stay home. Don't be in a rush, take your time and do good on the MCAT and your course work, retake classes if needed.. If your worried about your age don't be, many DO schools take non-traditional applicants.
If your mind is set on going to the schools off-shore, then i say think about the best school, like SGU... If you don't like Grenada then look at AUC, they are on the best island in the carribean.

DOC.p
02-16-2008, 05:35 PM
why are people commenting...have you seen how old this thread is?

salam
03-10-2008, 02:10 AM
I can't help but think how crazy it would be for you guys not take this opportunity. No offense to your wife, I understand that she is comfortable and all, but dang... You should seriously talk about this, and seek some professional counseling. Truthfully, it would be beter to wait for school another 6 months and put your relationship in a strong healthy spot

drshoelaces
07-11-2008, 08:13 PM
wow... this thread is old! does anyone know what happend to him?

but if anyone else with this problem is reading, i believe there is no right or wrong in this situation, it depends on what you want, and how bad you want it. i think it's selfish to stop someone from going to med school so one can maintain their lifestyle, but if he wants a family more than med school, i say go for it. i would rather see more doctors in the world.

OasisMan
10-05-2008, 11:13 AM
my wife came with me and saw it as a vacation

almost a year into it, shes getting bored tho haha

salto_jorge
11-07-2008, 07:11 PM
If you have not completed your dream (2004) think about it again.

At leat one child should have been born if you are still married.

==============

If funding is not an issue.

Purchase a place to live, with all the works.

Ask the employer if the job can be done "off shore" (home), if yes you are in business.

Otherwise find another well paying company that will ler her work from the off-shore location (home).

Last ditch would be to form a consulting company of some kind.

No one in my family ever worked for a well paying company so no one ever had the option.

Have fun in medical school.

NJNets
11-27-2008, 08:40 AM
so what did he decide?

giddings
03-13-2009, 03:58 PM
Message Redacted.

WannaBdoc25
03-13-2009, 04:21 PM
2 years really is not that long. What happens to the house if you go? do you have to sell it?

Sefardicus
05-03-2011, 10:29 AM
I was in the same boat, brother, for years! I have M.D. friends, my wife is an E.R. nurse, and my father is an M.D. and D.D.S., and I have a Master's degree in Clinical Counseling. Let me tell you, I love the heck out of science, math, and I am fascinated with how medicine brings all of that together; I'm sure you agree with my assessment to one degree or another.

From an almost insider's point-of-view, let me tell you that for many, medicine comes at a cost: battered or shattered family lives. My father, who for his protection, will not get his name mentioned here, is a leader in the field of plastic surgery, and cosmetic dentistry. As far as career, and prestige: he has it all! But, behind that success, is a train wreck of broken relationships, because my father, without setting out to do this, gave more importance to his career than his family.

During medical school, and pre-med, you pretty much have to "divorce" yourself from much of most people do, including spending time with the wife, and or family. Most spouses, wife or husbands, cannot handle being on their own. Medical school, or pre-med, widows, have to be self-directed, and low-maintenance, to survive the emotional challenges that med school bring. Just think, spouses of med students, in a great sense, have to put their lives on hold for you! The divorce rate for med students is pretty high!

That being said, give yourself some time and think about what is more important: your wife or a career in medicine. I am saying this not because you cannot do both, but because of the odds.

My story, is similar to yours. I have wanted to be a doctor for a long time, but due to lack of resources, and other extraneous circumstances, I could not finish my pre-med successfully. When I married, I choose to marry someone in the medical field, because I thought that she would understand the rigor that it takes to be a doctor, and be more empathetic; it did not turn out to be that way. Through some well-meaning people and some ignorant people, and her own extensive experience in the filed, my wife had discouraged me from going to med school for years. Mind you, she still allowed me to take pre-med classes here and there, but was not behind me to go to med school.

I have not been married for almost 10 yrs, have no kids, I'm 40, and my wife is 36. I have finished my pre-med with a 3.7-3.8 science GPA, have a 3.65 gpa in my Masters; have not taken my MCAT, yet. Recently, we have gone through a lot of struggles in our relationship because of my decision to be a doctor. My wife is an incredible woman, whom, if I were to loose to medicine, would be like loosing a princess (my wife) for a hooker (medicine). Let me tell you buddy, a good wife, a real good one, does not come by often, and mine has stuck with me through thick and thin.

When my wife resisted me going to med school, years ago, I decided that I was going to go at her pace, and not leave her behind, so I took it slow, even though almost a decade has gone by. Through our own recent spiritual/emotional turmoil, I have learned that my wife is more important than a medical career. My situation is a bit different than your; I'm 9 years older than you. When I thought about giving up medicine, I could not entertain the thought of doing so, but what's more, I could not bare the thought of being an M.D. without the love of my life.

Like, you, I'm sure, I am intellectually curious, and know that I could be a wonderful doctor, but I have decided to take the P.A. route. For my marriage, in my particular situation, I have decided that this will be best. The route is way shorter, easier, less debt, and stress, and believe my marriage will be intact at the end of it.

My advice, take it slow, don't leave your wife behind in making your decision. The only thing she wants to know is that you care more about her than medicine. Kids... if she is young enough, wait on them. Kids add a new level of stress, to an already challenging situation (med / pre-med). If you wait to have them later, let's say your last year of med-school, you may be able to enjoy them more, and it could save your relationship; don't be in a hurry to have kids! Before you have kids, make sure your marriage is solid, and that you are united in your decision, before you embark into this med school journey.

Someone wise told me some time ago, wisdom is about timing, not necessarily what you do or say, but when you say, or do something. Timing, might be your best friend here, my friend. One of the great things you guys have on your side is your father's financial support; that alone will take a lot of stress of your backs in the future!

I hope what I have expressed has given you some food for thought. Do not be discouraged, you are only 31, time is on your side. Being married and being a med student is possible, but it's all about timing, the right timing...

medic300107
05-13-2011, 10:34 AM
Just wanted to point out the OP is now about 38 y/o, this thread was started 7 years ago lol

otherwise some good advice and thank you for only reviving an old post to post something constructive!

Sefardicus
05-16-2011, 02:33 PM
Oops! That's funny!! Well, all things happen for a good reason, and I hope that everything turned out good for our friend after all. Maybe someone will read it and glean something to hang on to that's of some value. Thanks for letting me know.

Staradmiral
07-06-2011, 04:31 PM
How is this even a discussion? What kind of a person would choose med school over their wife.

Seriously if your wife says you can't go to med school then that should be the end of discussion. Anyone who chooses career over their partner deserves to be divorced. career is not the most important thing in life.

stevesingh1
09-02-2011, 06:16 AM
You just need to explain to her that it is very important to you and you have always imagined going to medical school . Its just a matter for few years , then future will safe for both of you for the rest of your life .

bidiboom
09-23-2011, 09:11 AM
How is this even a discussion? What kind of a person would choose med school over their wife.

Seriously if your wife says you can't go to med school then that should be the end of discussion. Anyone who chooses career over their partner deserves to be divorced. career is not the most important thing in life.

what a comment :D .. actually the wives must give you a medal :D but the things dont roll in that way man (or wo-man) :D .. this creature, named human being, is ruining all of the plans, logic, due-to's and the expectations others set over him.. the worst thing is that human has a very ..very bad intrinsic property: freedom :(

sorry for all of the wives (husbands), but they have to come to see this and treat their man (wo-man :D ) in compliance with this reality..

I think I can never really comprehend how the people may put themselves in a position in others lives which gives them the prerogative "to let" or "not to let" others do this or that.. we can only come to agreement over communication, but cannot (may not!) dictate..

williamholt
08-22-2012, 02:10 AM
sorry.i have no wife

carlbolton64
11-03-2012, 12:52 AM
No comments.

Lil_Gail
06-27-2019, 08:14 PM
I really hope you can talk about this. It will really be better if you will be able to discuss things through and she'll be able to understand what med school means to you and at the same time make explain to her that she'll still be your priority.







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