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View Full Version : Love my Ross 4th semester to pieces, but should I leave him



Shpamme
12-04-2004, 05:49 PM
My boyfriend is at Ross; I'm on the West Coast. We've been together 6 years, he left year 5. I felt really abandoned at first, because I didn't feel like it was a mutual decision. I had gone to a lesser-ranked law school to stay in the same city with him, but he just up and left for Ross. But at the same time I was excited for him and happy that he got to pursue his dreams. I felt like it was a way for me to give back the emotional support he gave me through my law school years. Seeing his picture still makes me smile, and my heart still races the few times I do get to see him. And he is the BEST boyfriend ever when he's here for visits. We've talked openly about marriage and he wants to get married when med school is done.

After a 1 1/2 years of this long distance though, we fight constantly. Some of this would be fodder for fights regardless of where he attended med school; other stuff is Ross specific. We fight about his when his next visit here will be, when he will book tickets for that next visit, poor phone connection quality, the fact that he STILL has no idea where he will do rotations for the next three years, and the fact that he doesn't seem to have time for me anymore. I feel like my life is being dictated by his schedule--he only calls or visits when HE has time, and it's often at a time inconvenient to me. I know he loves me, but I feel like every time I want him to visit, I have to beg for him to book a ticket--he never does it on his own. We have other pressures too.. I need him to be back here to get to know my parents, who are against our relationship.

So here's my problem: I love him to pieces and want to see him succeed because it means so much to him. But I think our fights distract him a lot. I know the right thing to do would be to support him unconditionally through med school, I don't think I can realistically do that given how sad I am. I've tried to leave him alone so that he can focus on school, but each time he comes calling again right after his exams are done.

If you were me, would you leave him alone to study? If so, how and when would you do it so that his school isn't impacted? Or would you sack up and stay with him no matter what? And if so, how would you deal with the sadness and get him to book flights ahead of time so that you both have something to look forward to? And how would you deal with the fact that you are ready to settle down now, while he is headed in other directions?
Finally.. if he stays as career oriented as we are now, won't our marriage be doomed anyway? (Yes, I'm career oriented... but this experience has taught me that there are more important things in life than making partner.. )


Just a few questions on rainy afternoon from..
Lonely girlfriend of a 4th semester

Kat21
12-08-2004, 12:30 PM
Shpamme,

Wow, there seems to be a lot on your mind and I think you have every reason to feel and think the way you are right now. It seems to me that there needs to be a more openness of communication in your relationship. All these unanswered questins should be able to be addressed and somewhat resolved in a serious and committed relationship. When your boyfriend left, did you guys talk about how your relationship would handle his move? Or what step you two were going to take to make it work? I think that you both need to really sit down and talk about what this relationship means to you, and the future you see together. If he is really committed to you, then he would naturally book flights on his break to see you. I know he might be busy now to talk about all this, but next time you see him, you should really sit down and tell him how you feel. If you guys really want to stay together and make it work there's going to be sacrifice on both your parts.

There are times when yes, you have to leave him alone to study, but he still has to make time to call you just to say hi, or that he misses you, or goodnight. That's essential. You both need to really work hard at making it work, cause long distances are based soley on communication.

It seems to me that you need/want more security in this relationship and he's not really giving it to you. You might want to explain to him that it's really hard for you to wait around for him and be so patient, when you're really not sure what the future holds. My fiance and I are planning to get married after the 2 years on the island, and I would sacrifice my career to go with him wherever he gets assigned for his rotations. Either way, there needs to be a really really open line of communication, and he needs to know how you feel and what he should do too to make you feel secure and loved when he's far away. It's not easy, but its definitely possible.

Let me know how it goes! Good luck, I'll pray for you :D

Kat

Shpamme
12-10-2004, 02:45 AM
Kat, you are too kind. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post.

You know, the funny thing is that we have talked numerous times (sometimes in a rational fashion, other times in a less rational fashion) about how to make it work. It keeps boiling down to this: he knows I want him to be more proactive, I know he wants me to be more supportive (especially during exam times).

The problem is we both can't seem to deliver on our promises. He is just too busy to deliver on them no matter how much he cares, and I am too sad to deliver on them even though I care. For example, if he has an exam coming, he will not book the ticket because he has this mental tension about the exam, and doesn't know if he can really enjoy his time here because he is so worried about studying. Then, I get so sad about the missed trips that I don't feel like being supportive or just calling to say hi or goodnight. That in turn makes him feel really apathetic, and just adds to the pressures of school. He doesn't feel like calling or visiting then, and the cycle starts over again.

I don't get it.. if two people care so much about each other, shouldn't we each be able to put our emotions and our schedules aside and make this work? I keep scratching my head trying to figure out how to get over the mental obstacles.. We seem to talk frankly about this every two days and keep running into the same circular arguments.. Something tells me though that maybe I am wrong, and I am the problem since I can't support him unconditionally.

Anyways.. I probably sound like I'm whining so I'll stop. But even if you don't reply I can't tell you how helpful it has been to find someone who cared to listen.. It means a lot to me.

Good luck..and CONGRATULATIONS!!! on your engagement.

Take care.

chickmd
12-31-2004, 09:29 AM
Hi:

WOW....I thought I was one of the few people going through this. I am happy I ran into your post.

I am an incoming student to Ross, so here is a piece of mi mind from the other side of things:

I have been dating my boyfriend 4 years. We have always been different. I am school oriented and have wanted to be an MD for ever. He is a firefighter, who works every 4th day, and loves his job unconditionally! So, having gone through undergrad and he watching me stress, he knows how I get. I used to have manyyyyyy doupts about this long dist. thing. I am one who never really supported the long distance relationships of my friends, but now it has hit me. I am soooo tired of seeing him "not care". My boyfriend is one who bottles up feelings, while I am an exploding volcano. So I leave this upcoming monday and this week he has been such a let down.
Like you, I wanted him to be sooooooooooo supportive and talk about how this would work, or how we would make it work. Instead what I got was insecurity, he was stressing and built this wall not too feel. He said it was harder than he thought and that he loves me but is scared on what will happen or how he will feel when I got back in april.
SO.....what do I do? I broke it off, I said we could be friends. He never agreed, but in my mind I did. This did not help, for I cried 1 whole day , before we were "back together". Honestly, I feel like it was going to work, but also is not about being together. If he were living to the army lets say, for 6 months, I would not break up or my feelings will not change.
I see and are going through exactly what you are: the fighting over stupid things is more heart breaking, because one was or the other He cant seem to see what I need from him.
My advice to you; and I guess myself, is to let him be. Alot of my friends have told me this, but u know is harder to do it than to say it. I am starting to see this however. Let it be. Dont bug him down too much, ofr I can tell u I am sure he is or was going through a lot when he left. Far from family, sorrounding, amenities, friends, you, school pressure...tell me about it. I feel all of that insecurity too. I think that best is to set a day or 2-3 a week at an ok. time that you guys can talk too...and not just say hi...for that u call when ever, but to actually hear him out and he can listen to your problems too. The best thing is not to mention tooooo much that u are sad....and that u cant take this any more pretty much. I would rather like to hear how much you love him and how happy u are that he did this for himself. Also take this time away as growing time to learn more about yourself and what you have going in your life. You sound like you have a string head in your shoulders and take this time to benefit and learn more about yourself. Afterall, you have been with him 6 yrs.... I am sure, if you would not have dated him, you would have been a diff. person. I hope this helps somewhat....And thanks for listening to me!

Fustrated but happy!

diun
02-05-2005, 01:32 PM
My name is Claudia. I am 33, quarter-serbian, quarter russian, half-romanian. I've just failed my USMLE Step I w/ 74/181 and I'm studying again 8 hours a day. I am divorced and after 3 years of solitude I begin thinking of love again. I'm looking for a man to share my feelings with, good or bads, how they'd be.

Though I am living with my parents now, I'm feeling so lonely... I would be so happy if after finishing my studying I would find a smile on my email...it would shine my day.

Hoping that this could happen,
my e'mail is [email protected]

jpryor
04-25-2005, 09:31 AM
So here's my problem: I love him to pieces and want to see him succeed because it means so much to him. But I think our fights distract him a lot. I know the right thing to do would be to support him unconditionally through med school, I don't think I can realistically do that given how sad I am. I've tried to leave him alone so that he can focus on school, but each time he comes calling again right after his exams are done.

Lonely girlfriend of a 4th semester

I hope you don't mind a male perspective. I know this was posted some time ago, but most likely somebody will still read it. I'm bored and surfing the various forums and came across it and it rang familiar with my situation.

My girlfriend of six years also did not feel like she was a part of my decision to attend medical school and resented me going off to an island. She's a senior executive in state government, so getting free time has never been easy for her, so we anticpated the only option would be for me to return home during breaks.

With each passing week our phone conversations became more stressed, to the point that we both privately wished the next call wouldn't come, but then one of us would give in to the "obligation". The strangest things would initiate tension...we even argued about yardwork.

All credit to my girlfriend...she found a way to make me understand. She made me see that as my interests became focused on school, she felt less important to me. I talked only of the future I saw regarding school, rotations, residency, etc. and did not talk about us. That hurt my heart. We talked for a couple of hours that night, initially me reassuring her but then talking of our future. I realized how selfish I had been in focusing on my life and all of the travails, present and future, that I would encounter and never considering that they were hers, too. I'm sure the wives and significant others can attest to that better than I can.

My point is this: Visits, phone calls, e-mails or letters are rarely the real issue. Remember a simple axiom...there are only two reasons to be upset: something happened that we didn't want to have happen or something didn't happen that we wanted to have happen. Understanding has to start with yourself and if you can't see it clearly then you won't communicate it well...and men aren't too good at figuring things out.

grace
04-26-2005, 04:57 AM
[quote="jpryor"]I realized how selfish I had been in focusing on my life and all of the travails, present and future, that I would encounter and never considering that they were hers, too. I'm sure the wives and significant others can attest to that better than I can. [quote]


I definitely hear you on that! I am a spouse who gave up a few years of my career to follow my husband through medical school. I know that he appreciates everything I do for him, but it's so easy to get wrapped up with all the stresses and difficulties of medical school and forget to appreciate the one who's by your side, helping you out. In the end, it's definitely been worth while following my husband because he will be the main person bringing in income once we start a family.

jpryor...I think it's great that you realize that your SO has a stake in your future.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard single students say that they wish they "had a wife" to assist them through medical school. :lol:

jpryor
04-26-2005, 06:38 AM
jpryor...I think it's great that you realize that your SO has a stake in your future.

Oh, I always knew she had a stake in my future. My mistake was not making sure she felt secure in that. I'm very fortunate to have a partner who took the time to make sure I understood. It wasn't an easy task for her :wink:

My hat's off to those that are in the supporting role. It cannot be pleasant having to let school/studying become the priority in a relationship. I think that the distance allows that to be easier.

One of the things that my girlfriend said that made me understand was that we didn't have a 20 year history together that enabled us to know and anticipate each other's thoughts, so we had to work harder to make sure the other knew.







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