"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out."
"When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did
he go back to?"
"What's another word for thesaurus?"
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means
it's going to be up all night."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died."
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
"I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two
cents in?' Somebody's making a penny."
"I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got
"I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song
on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place."
"I once locked my keys out of my car. I had break out of my car with a
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an
"We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child,