Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?

A: Keep the tip.

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After every flight, Quantas Airline pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.


Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the
solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

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Q: What do you call a virgin in a $3000 hat?

A: The Pope

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My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided
to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends
encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one
thing bothering me.

That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when
near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to
me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires
for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go
ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and
threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then
turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and
stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes,
he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is.....

Always keep your condoms in your car

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There are two muffins sitting in an oven and one of them says to the other

"Geez its getting hot in here"

and the other muffin says

"oh my God, a talking muffin!"

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What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies!!

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A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"

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What's the difference between a Peeping Tom and a pick-pocket?

A pick-pocket snatches watches.

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

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Why Girls Are Like Finals
You'd rather get an easy one.

You get in a lot of trouble if you get caught cheating on one.

If you are drunk when you do one, it takes a lot longer to finish.

The less they have on them the better.

If you have more than one scheduled at the same time, you have a problem.

Nothing about them makes any sense.

They just lie there and you have to do all the work.

When you are done you get up and leave.

Good curves make for a more enjoyable experience.

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